This is a continuation of previous reflections on my psychedelic experiences, see:
The substance 5-MeO-DMT is a psychedelic substance in the same class as “regular” DMT and bufotenin. Although it has received less popular attention then DMT, 5-MeO-DMT has a small but growing “following”, who claim it is the pinnacle psychedelic experience, allowing for direct contact with “God” within seconds after consuming (smoking, snorting) the substance. Here “God” is typically described by those who have experienced the effects of 5-MeO-DMT as a non-dual state of unified consciousness without time or linear cause-and-effect. In terms of the experience “from the outside”, the effects last for about 15-20 minutes (but can be extended for as long as 45 minutes).
For my experience I was visiting a retreat (name/place left out) in a beautiful country-side estate. The interior of the room I was invited into was decorated with all sorts of mythical and spiritual art. For the ceremony there were 6-8 yoga-like mats lying on the ground in a row. Everyone who would be smoking took a seat in a meditative or kneeling position while those administering prepared the pipe. Without too much of a formal introduction to what was going to happen those administering 5-MeO-DMT started to light the pipe and bring it to each participant. Before I knew it I was smoking, inhaling, and holding my breath (all the while thinking “oh my god this is happening”).
After about 5 seconds of holding the smoke inside my lungs, my body and my consciousness started to shake or vibrate strongly all over. The noise/feeling was something like:
All of a sudden there was an enormous rush of emotions and sensations “emerging” and “coming at me” (if those are the right words, I don’t know). I felt that at that moment, that overwhelming moment, my ego could have started to resist or fight what was happening. I could have easily started to say “no!” “NO!” “NOOOOOO!!!!!” and repress all the emotions and sensations. However, I did not resist or fight, or only for a brief moment did that possibility seem like a real actual route to take myself. What I did do was say:
“THIS IS YOU”
“EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING IS YOU”
“DON’T BE SCARED”
“LET IT HAPPEN”
After this interior determination the monstrosity of “what I was” unfolded before me. The most pressing and obvious realization was the insane “size” or “intensity” of the “present moment”. It was so much that it was too much. It was so much that I thought grateful to be in a body and an individual human instead of constantly this insane “size/intensity” of consciousness. The best metaphor I have come up with for this transition is the difference in size/intensity of perceiving/feeling the Sun from Pluto, versus the size/intensity of perceiving/feeling the Sun from the surface of the Sun itself. In our normal day-to-day experience we are perceiving/feeling consciousness as if sitting on Pluto and receiving light/warmth/energy from that distance. In the 5-MeO-DMT experience it is as if you are immediately transported from Pluto to the surface of the Sun itself.
This state is tremendously difficult to remember, but I do remember being able to “hold it” (or “I am it”, because “holding” may not be the right word). In “holding” this state it was as if all of my emotions within my conscious and unconscious were present. I remember very strongly feeling and perceiving all of the contradictions of all my emotions and all my relations. It was as if I had a clear picture of myself with all the contradictory emotions and relations. At the same time I could start to sense or perceive that all of what I thought were contradictions were not imperfections but absolutely fine, an integral part of my process of becoming as a human being. And at the same time I could start to differentiate myself as pure consciousness from all my “historical emotions”. What I could sense in this differentiation was that I was “monstrously larger” than all of the attachments of the “Cadell identity”. The best metaphor I have thought for this feeling of “monstrously larger” is that I was like a “super-alien” in relation to the “human being”. The weird thing about the “super-alien” was that it simultaneously felt “new” and “emerging”, as well as “old” and “primordial”. It was as if the “alien identity” was both something being “birthed” from the “shell” of my Cadell body-mind complex, and at the same time something that has “always been” and “always will be”. This is clearly (or possibly) some sort of problem with my “concept of time” as “Cadell”.
All of the events or experiences in this mode of consciousness are hard to recollect. However, once I started to regain a sense of “Cadell” I was on my back in a fetus position. I remember that in this fetus position many images started to run through my mind (where images had been non-existent in the height of the experience, only conscious perception). These images were variously informing me of historical patterns that attracted my Cadell-identity and which reflected the deep origin of my consciousness (family identities, sexual attractions, etc.). In this fetus position I felt very innocent and fresh, and I also started to recognize how intensely powerful my body was feeling at that moment. My entire body was as if lit on fire throughout my entire system. If my body was constantly in this state it would seem like any need/desire that is normally filtered through my body would be impossible or unnecessary.
After a few more moments back in a meditative posture, I started to regain my Cadell-identity fully and inhabit my body fully again. This process was fairly smooth as a transition and I remember feeling incredibly grateful for the experience and at the same time excited because I had a sense that I had only started to dip my toes in these psychedelic waters.
Since this experience (about 1 week now), I can say that integration is going to be a process. My consciousness feels ripped apart and bare. I feel that the structure of Cadell is difficult to fully reassemble. I also feel very intensely my whole body still. I feel that my nervous system is on fire or rebooted. I feel my arms and legs very intensely, much more than usual. I feel my whole body very intensely, much more than usual. Since it has only been a week since smoking I don’t know how long the effects will last, but its certainly a substance that effects the entire body-mind system very powerfully.